A few years back Bruce Springsteen, the monumentally tedious US rocker beloved of 40-something music journos and absolutely no-one else, sang "57 channels and nothin' on". And for once, I sympathise with the boring old fucker. Our landlady has just installed cable TV in our room (2 weeks before we move out - great timing) and, despite having over 60 channels to play with, there is basically fuck all worth watching. Apart from football. Here is a selection of "highlights" I enjoyed over the weekend:

X-GAMES ASIA
Ah yes, "extreme sport". Whenever I hear the expression "extreme sport" I think of events which push man's strength and endurance to its limits. The Tour de France perhaps, or triathlon, or watching an entire Richard Curtis film without vomiting. But for some reason, the X-Games consist of such "extreme" events as BMX biking, rollerskating, and skateboarding. Now I'm sorry, but if you're on a skateboard and you're over 14 years of age, you really need to take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror.

ULTIMATE FIGHTING
Now this whetted my appetite a bit. Ultimate fighting you say? No holds barred? Two braindead rednecks butting, punching, gouging, kneeing and generally whaling the shite out of each other until one of them expires? Bring it on. Oh, but hang on, you can't wear shoes. Oh, and you have to wear gloves. And the crotch is a no-go area. And no headbutting or biting. And you get a break every 5 minutes. Ultimate fighting? Ultimate mincing about more like.

Here's what happens. The bell goes, & two big blokes jump around looking at each other for a few minutes. Then one grabs the other & they roll around in a distinctly homoerotic manner for a few minutes until one of them is declared the winner. Outside the gay fraternity I see no interest in this whatsoever.

ANIMAL PLANET/DISCOVERY CHANNEL/NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC CHANNEL
AKA "Nature will fuck you up bad" channels, where every programme is designed to keep the viewer in a state of terror about what might happen to them should they actually switch off the TV, haul their fat arse off the couch, and leave the house. Hurricanes! Volcanoes! Tsunamis! Polar bears! Snakes! Polar bears running down the side of volcanoes carrying snakes! DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE OR YOU WILL DIE!!!!!!!